Because of negotiated agreements and safewords, no matter how it looks, BDSM is always friendly, affectionate, and for many players, deeply nurturing. And participants reconsider their agreements. If subs feel threatened, they might say “red light.” Role-playing ends. If subs feel uneasy, they might say “yellow light,” meaning they’d like to stay in role but discuss their ambivalence. Despite subs’ nominal subservience, the core irony of BDSM play is that the subs are always in charge, thanks to safe words. Safewords give subs control over all play. For many kinksters, BDSM feels intimate and powerful because of the negotiations and fantasy sharing it involves. All action is carefully scripted, in marked contrast to conventional (“vanilla”) sex, where many fall into bed with little, if any, negotiation of what’s about to occur. Consequently, BDSM play is erotic theater. Not all BDSMers employ written contracts, but all state their desires and negotiate their limits and how play unfolds. Grey accepts her decisions and honors them by not delivering any sensations beyond her specified limits. Steele accepts some, modifies others, and rejects several. In Fifty Shades of Grey, the dom, Christian Grey, presents his prospective sub, Anastasia Steele, with a lengthy contract proposal detailing how he’d like to play.
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